There are many challenges being in a relationship with a person who constantly makes life choices that are packed with consequences.

For twenty-one years I chose to share a life with a person who struggled with several addictions. If you have been impacted by another person’s addictions, you will probably recognize yourself in the helplessness that I felt. I was exhausted from managing the fallout form one crisis to the next. I stayed furious about the lack of respect for my well-being. The person I chose, wasn’t the least bit concerned about the consequences his actions repeatedly imposed on himself, me, and our family.

I refused to accept that I had two choices in the matter, accept him for who he chose to be in the world, or leave the relationship. I instead concocted a third option, waste my life trying to change him into the person I needed him to be, and beg God to be complicit with my plan. I masked this plan for change as, “me helping a person who clearly needed help.” I believed that if he changed, my life would be better. It didn’t occur to me that by staying with him, I was essentially making the exact same poor choices as him. It took me years to acknowledge I was responsible for the consequences I endured from his actions, because I chose not to remove myself from his path of destruction.

As such, option three, get him to change, was enacted for 21 years and the results are in! It was a total failure by every measurement.

Let’s look at the metrics:

1. Helping I was married to a grown-up man who chose to indulge daily in several destructive addictions that led to a multitude of consequences that he found acceptable. I wanted to “help” him, make better choices, not indulge in his addictions, and not suffer the consequences from his choices. After 21 years of my help, his addictions consumed his life more, and the consequences were mounting. I gave myself an “F” and fired myself from this job.
2. Praying I constantly begged God to “Help” when my efforts failed. Help was code for change. I was begging God to make him change. God did not “help/make him change”! Why? Because God will  NEVER take away the “Free Will” of anyone! I was asking God to make him change his choices. You know, the ones he was free to choose.

Are you asking God to change/help another person, especially one who is making poor choices? God didn’t take away your free-will to choose the chaos, mistreatment and multitude of consequences associated with another person. You get to make poor choices and so do the people in your life. God will not be complicit in your plan to control another person or bend them towards your will. Your hope and prayers for another person to change are futile if connected to a particular outcome devised by you.

So, what are we to do now?

Understanding that God has an individual relationship and plan for each of us liberates our life.

My life transformed when I focused all my energy on my relationship with God and sought to understand His plan for my life. I no longer operated like I was the one who knew the plan for another living soul.

You can be free and liberated by doing the following:

1. Accept that others have the right to choose any path, even one of destruction.
2. Understand that positioning yourself on this path as a roadblock is futile and optional.
3. Acknowledge you have been runover repeatedly, and it will continue until you choose to remove yourself from the path.
4. Change your conversation with God, allow Him to fill your heart with love and your life with peace, talk about yourself, ask about Him.
5. Work to remove the noise and chaos stemming from others, so you can hear the small quiet voice of God directing you.
6. Retire from crisis management by eliminating the sources of the chaos.

Changing your conversation with God means changing how you pray for yourself and others. Here are some examples.

The Serenity Prayer God Will Never Answer
“God, please change others so I don’t have to change me.”

Dear God,
Please grant me the Serenity to accept my destructive situation that I have the power to leave, but won’t.

Peace to accept the hurtful behaviors of the other people in my life, even if I can choose to live life without them and won’t.
Courage to get in the face of other people so I can tell them how to change.

Strength to live my life on my terms, without really embracing your plan for my life.
Knowledge, so I can know exactly what to say to others, so they will change in the way that I think they should change.
Wisdom to know which things I can say and do to get others to change.

The Serenity Prayer God Will Answer

“God, transform me so that I am an instrument of your peace and love.”

Dear God,
Please grant me,

Your serenity to accept your will for my life.
Your peace to accept other people’s choices for their lives.
Your comfort to accept things in life that are beyond my control.
Your strength to embrace suffering with gratitude instead of misery.
Your courage to face myself so I can embrace your vision of me and your plan for my life without fear.

Your wisdom so I can see others, myself, and the world through your lens, not my own.

Your knowledge, so I can understand what is revealed to me by You.

Stop asking God to change the things you don't like in others. Instead ask to see them through His perfect lens. Consider this short, yet most
powerful prayer for yourself and those you love.

LEAD US TO YOU LORD

Lord, please remove everyone and everything in our lives that leads us away from you.
And please fill our lives with people, experiences and things that lead us to you.

Please give us wisdom to understand Your work in our lives.

Trust God when people, places and things are removed, accept His actions, and do not drag that which gets removed back in. Know that you may not understand the activity that surrounds you.

If you have chosen to hitch your wagon to a person on a collision course with destruction, you have made the exact same choice as them. Asking God to make them stop, is asking God to take away their free-will. Instead, ask God to help you stop making the exact same poor choice. You are free to give your free-will to God. You do not have say-so about another person’s free-will.

The question is, if you are suffering from the consequences of another person’s poor choices, and you are working hard to get them to make better choices, why are you not using that prayer, energy, time, and planning to making better choices for yourself?

Peace out beautiful people – always remember, it’s never too late to stop doing the wrong thing, and serenity, courage and wisdom are yours for the asking.

If you want to ask questions, suggest topics, or share your story, my email is lifeasa2percenter@gmail.com I am also available to speak to groups both large and small.