We are now on our way to understanding why 98% of people in painful relationships recycle the same problems with new people.

In my first three columns we learned that by design we will prioritize meeting our emotional needs before our desires, goals, and plans. We dove a bit into how many of our decisions are made in the background, and how our personal skills resume is a major driver in how we choose the people in our lives. We discovered why it is problematic to expect to get something from a person they don’t possess. Now we’ll learn how we are complicit in maintaining things in our life that we despise, and how to change it!

So often in life we find ourselves enmeshed with another person’s chaos, poor life decisions and problems. We believe that we have the answers to what plagues their lives, and that we know what is best for them. In many instances, they even play along, allowing us to believe this is true. In other instances, we are imposing our will and they are fighting back.

Often, we have this belief because our person or people keep making decisions that impose pain and suffering into our lives, their lives or both, and we want them to stop.

I was once married to a person who struggled with addiction. This came with a plethora of poor decisions that had a major impact on my life and his. I was desperate for him to make better decisions. He was a grown man who was very much OK with his life as it was. There in lied the dilemma.

Did I really know what was best for him? No! is the answer. God did not make me omniscient. I did not suddenly become all knowing about all things to come in his life.

As a grown man, did he have the right to make decisions for himself? Yes, he did, no matter my opinion of them. Did he have the right to make these decisions even if major consequences came with them?
YEP!

I lived exhausted from managing my life around his choices that wreaked havoc in my world. I needed my life to be different, so for 21 years I focused all my heart, all my time, all my thoughts, all my plans, all my energy, all my prayers, on getting him to make the changes I needed him to make.

All to no avail!

So where did that leave me? Heartbroken, mad at God, with feelings of utter helplessness!

I didn’t have the first clue that I had but two choices in the situation if I wanted peace within myself. The level of difficulty in accepting that I ONLY had two choices cannot be downplayed. It was hard!!!

1. Accept him for who he was and accept the way he CHOSE to live his life. (Because he’s a grown man who gets to choose for himself)
OR

2. Remove myself from the situation. (Get out of his path of destruction and onto a path of peace)

Neither of these choices were what I wanted. I was not capable of accepting his destructive choices and the impact they had on him, me, or our family. I wanted my marriage to work, so removing myself didn’t seem like an option either. So, I manufactured a third choice: become a crazy person, obsessed with imposing my will on another human, and beg God take his free will away and make him do the “right thing.”

This was problematic for many reasons! First, it is an injustice to create an expectation for another person, hold them accountable for it, then berate them in your heart, mind, or words for falling short. Keep in mind, they may pay lip-serve to agreeing with you to keep you in the game. Actions are all that matter!

Second, I was becoming spiritually bankrupt because God will never take away a anyone’s free-will. No matter how hard I prayed, He never answered that prayer! Most important, the chaos kept me from hearing the small, quiet voice of God directing me in my life.

I was a hypocrite! I was so consumed with another person’s destructive decisions, that I didn’t notice my destructive choices, even when friends and family brought it to my attention.

How did I think it was OK commit so much of my being to force another person to choose the life I wanted, not the one they wanted?

I accomplished acceptance on and off over the course of many years, then I departed the situation entirely. Why? We were the same. We both lacked the courage to face our inner pain and suffering, and neither of us knew the cause. He cloaked his with substances, and I cloaked mine with the chaotic mess of his substance abuse. I left when I had done real and significant work on myself and could face that which was broken in me. I had no choice if I were to embrace God’s plan for my life.

Are you walking a mile in my thread bare shoes? You might be if you answer yes to any of the following
questions?

1. Are another person’s choices causing pain in your life?
2. Are you are praying for God to take away someone’s free will to make your or their life
   different?
3. Do you spend tons of your time managing the messes and chaos of an adult fully capable of
   making better choices?
4. Do you expect a person to give you that which they do not possess? (See my article titled: TWO TRUTHS WE MUST EMBRACE FOR A HAPPY LIFE for more on this topic.)

If you answered yes to any of these questions, it may be time for you to make healthier choices for yourself. You deserve to live a beautiful life of mutual love, dignity, and respect. Never forget that God created you to be precious, free, and worthy of love.

You may want to consider counseling, or a support group. Also, I chronicled my journey in my book, Amazing Love, A Journey from Trauma to God’s Healing Love, available on Amazon. I lay out step-by-step details of how I transformed my life into a beautiful, peaceful, and deeply spiritual existence.

Peace out beautiful people – always remember, it’s never too late to stop doing the wrong thing, and serenity, courage and wisdom are yours for the asking.

If you want to ask questions, suggest topics, or share your story, my email is lifeasa2percenter@gmail.com I am also available to speak to groups both large and small.