I have concluded that asking “Why?” and “What?” is one of the dumbest things I have ever done! As human beings we are hard wired to seek answers to questions, to fill in the blanks when there is a void of knowledge. Scientific discovery is based on our drive to find the answers to “How?” “What?” and “Why?” This is all well and good until asking “Why?” and “What?” becomes a distraction and an anchor that keeps us in bad relationship cycles.

We are now on article five on our journey to discovering why 98% of people leave bad relationships only to recycle the problems with new people. As I reflect on the twenty-one years that I spent as the other half of a bad marriage, and my journey to joining the 2% of people who break the cycle. I noticed something interesting. I had wasted a massive amount of time, energy, and life asking the stupid question of “Why?” and “What?” when the people in my life behaved badly.

I was consumed by my obsessive need to know why the addict in my life would “choose” to indulge in his addictions instead of keeping his promises to be the husband and father I needed him to be. My relentless need to know what he was hiding drove me to madness!

I’m going to cut to the chase here and say, “It did not matter one single bit why he chose what he chose, nor does it matter what he was hiding. All that mattered was his decisions were destructive to me and our family, and he had things to hide from his wife and child. That is ENOUGH information to make a decision, and I only had two choices. Accept the situation and him as-is or leave the marriage.

Unwilling and unable to accept these two choices, I embarked on a failed mission to get him to “change” into the husband and father I needed and wanted him to be. The mission failed because I do not have the power to take away the free-will of another human being.

When destructive activities were being hidden from me, I responded in one of two ways, carry on like I didn’t notice, or Nancy Drew Super Sleuth the thing to death! I always gleaned information that was just cause to get out, but instead of leaving, I stuck around to ask, “Why?”

My incessant need to understand why and what he was doing manifested itself into a trap that I created to keep me in the relationship. I spent countless hours, weeks, years, asking him WHY? WHY? WHY? Do you think __________ is a good idea? How silly to constantly give another person the opportunity to come up with a good reason to make a poor decision, or to convince me that the consequences weren’t “that bad!” or that, “I misunderstood.” I was clearly not looking for an explanation, I was looking for reasons to stay in the relationship, and I was giving my significant other the opening to convince me to stay when everything in me was yelling, “RUN GIRL RUN!”

The “Why?” and “What?” trap was exhausting. It was a pointless expenditure of energy that occupied massive amounts of mental capacity, rendering me physically, mentally, and emotionally incapable of making any major changes in my life. Leaving a marriage is a big event that takes energy and planning while you drown in deep sorrow and pain. Plus, I felt like a failure!

Not wanting to fail was one of the driving forces behind the cat and mouse game of “Why?” and “What?” Leaving meant I had to admit that I was the complicit other half of a bad marriage containing two broken people. Leaving meant, with no one else to blame, I was 100% responsible for all that happened next.

This article is fifth in a series that explains “why?” “what?” and “how?” we are making the choices we make. I figured out the “why?” many years before I made changes, and it was interesting information, but knowing “Why?” was useless in my life transformation.

Meaningful change that led to a peaceful life happened when I:

1. Figured out what to do, how to do it, then doing the work.
2. I examined my responses to the actions of others and changed my behavior.
3. I learned how to have a deeper more meaningful relationship with God and stopped praying prayers He will never answer.
4. I never again asked anyone to come up with a good reason for their poor decision.

This series of articles are compliments to my book Amazing Love, A Journey from Trauma to God’s Healing Love, where I lay out the actions, I took to leave a bad relationship and not repeat the pattern.

If you are stuck in a bad relationship cycle, stop giving yourself reasons to stay, and exhausting the personal resources needed to leave by asking “Why?” and wasting time figuring out “What?” If you are asking the questions, you already know the answer and you have two choices:

1. Accept your person for who they are and accept that they are free to make their own decisions regardless of the consequences to you or them.
2. Remove yourself from their path of destruction and pain.

My next article will explore why creating an option three, where you try to impose your will on another human, and you ask God to help you, leaves you spiritually bankrupt and keeps you from the peaceful life you desire.

Peace out beautiful people – always remember, it’s never too late to stop doing the wrong thing, and
serenity, courage and wisdom are yours for the asking.

If you want to ask questions, suggest topics, or share your story, my email is
lifeasa2percenter@gmail.com I am also available to speak to groups both large and small.