We are now on our way to understanding why 98% of people in painful relationships recycle the same problems with new people. We are cracking open the door on the tools needed to be in the 2% of folks that don’t recycle problems, so let’s get busy.

In my first two columns, we learned that by design we will prioritize meeting our emotional needs before our desires, goals, and plans. We dove a bit into how many of our decisions are made in the background, and how our personal skills resume is a major driver in how we choose the people in our lives.

On our journey to becoming a 2%er there are several truths that need to be established. We will explore two of them in this column.

1. A person cannot give that which they do not possess!
2. You are not special; you are just “next” when it comes to being mistreated by mistreaters!

If you wanted to gift a loved one with $1B cash per day for life, you could only do so if you had that amount of cash on hand every day for life. Right? Right!

This is true of everything in your life. A person cannot give that which they do not possess. This includes love, dignity, respect, honesty, kindness, peace, and all the other niceties in life.
Observe the people in your life. How do they treat themselves, others, you?

I was married to an addict. Addiction is a slow march towards death, on a path littered with lies. Lies mandated by the disease so it can live and thrive in its host. This disease also lashes out forcefully in two instances; when a person tells the host that it dwells within, and when it senses a real or perceived interference with getting the next necessary fix.

SIDEBAR: My view of addiction – it’s a parasite that occupies and controls one of God’s beautiful people. I expected my husband to be honest, kind and loving, to build up our family, to teach our child to live her best life, and to put our health, wellbeing, and safety first and foremost.

“SERIOUSLY!” I say to my younger self! I expected a person who was slowly killing himself, lying to himself about his disease, to have honesty to give to his family. I expected him to keep us safe when he constantly endangered his own life? I expected him to kindly acknowledge that things weren’t going well! I’m here to say – I got a lot of lip service, blame and little of what I wanted.

What made me believe that I could get something from a person that they didn’t possess for themselves? The answer to this will traverse many columns to come and is explored in depth in my book, “Amazing Love” if you can’t wait.

It is worth repeating – “A person can’t give that which they don’t possess!” Taylor Swift’s song “Shake it Off” summed it up best, “Cuz the players gonna play, play, play, play, play! Haters gonna hate, hate hate, hate, hate!” She learned the hard way too. People are who they are. Even if they want to be different, they won’t be until they do the hard work of transforming their lives spiritually, emotionally, and intellectually.

It is to our detriment when we refuse to believe a person when they tell and show us who they are. It’s a disservice to you and them to expect them to treat you better then they treat themselves and others.

Keep in mind – you’ll probably be gaslighted and told that you are wrong or it’s your fault when you point out your mistreatment, so it’s is an act in futility that invites more mistreatment.

Are your expectations realistic? Do the people in your life possess that which you desire to receive from them? Do you believe that although a person behaves badly elsewhere in their life, you will not eventually suffer from the same injustices?

It is a truth, that if a person lies to others, is mean, talks poorly of others, and blames others for all that is wrong between them, you are not a special magic trick that will transform them into fabulousness for just you, you are simply the person next in line to be mistreated.

Now that you know why your life is a contradiction, and we’ve busted two myths, we’ll explore some small changes you can make in your life that will bring about big changes. So be sure to come back to hear about them.